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isobel
sometimes i feel like an empty vessel.
something all used up.
where the people have come and used my being, just used it all up.
like an old worn down sofa left on a los angeles city street corner… to rot in the rain..
(after the people have gotten their naps and their stains and their relaxation.)
in the darkest most self loathing - people loathing moments, that bile strikes up again, curling up my esophagus.. and tries to be uttered into my existence-take two.
tries so hard to be birthed into my reality, even though i’d like to believe the real me knows.. better.
the tough times are tough
and the good times don’t seem to be written about, not as much.. or like how it was in the past.
but i’m aiming for it to be.
i’m aiming to get back to my roots.
sure my flowers have bloomed-have taken the time to sprout-and here they’ve bloomed.. and now they rot.
but i just have to trim those long wilted remnants of excess.. and allow my growth to begin again.
it’s just been winter, i’ve been encased in a winter i have yet to fully let go of. and soon it will be spring again in my– thought to be carcass.. and then my sprung resurrection will quickly catalyze to a beautiful summer.. i can only hope for.
my internal seasons have yet to catch up with Earth’s.
i will never stop growing.
and i will never not have flowers,
it is not in nature.

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those moments where you feel like you are slipping into a dark puddle and you don't know where it will leave you, spat out, shat out -- on the other side.
yes the world can become so small.
the walls can collapse, inching closer and closer to your own flesh.
wedging your head in a single position, cocked to the side, and your eyes can only travel so far.
you forget about the rest of your body because the crick in your neck starts to burn a hole right through you. as if your head is the bottom of the candle and your hands already burned away along with the wick that was once there when it was first lit.

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in a lot of ways he kept me afloat while simultaneously anchoring me to this world.
he allowed me to have confidence in my actions, giving each decision such weight and importance.
now i'm not sure where i'm left at the moment.

i'm not sure what my being is, what my placement is now.
such security provided for 4 years... and now i'm not sure were I am.
confidence, that is now shaken, twists and contorts my internal dialogue to one of alienation. my lens has a hue of self doubt
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i hate to admit that I doubt my abilities as an artist.. as a person that makes art.
right in this moment I'm just so full of self-doubt and concern.. such negativity built up in my chest, in my heart.
I want to be better, I want to be better than I am. I have so much growing to do.
I am not where I want to be. this is not what I have inside of me.
I need to keep creating, please make more things. practice, learn, develop, do it.
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I have a lot to be thankful for. And I am.
Of course life has been hard, and there are times when everything seems so overwhelming... but I've been given a lot. so much.
Sometimes I feel, too much.
Guilt is such a familiar feeling.

But I rise up above guilt.

I think a lot about how precious things are... moments, facial expressions, sounds, feelings.. life..love.

small things make me happy.
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have to rid of the excess, exile the filth to the other side of these walls.
collect them, contain them, abandon them, leave them powerless outside this door.
the filth and the sickness must be banished and replaced with a good head&heart and good habits.
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to think of people being able to see me when I can't fully see myself.
I've always had a difficult time formulating a concrete..accurate perception of my being.. I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine:

I had mentioned that I am not satisfied with what I've been producing, I need more.
and she replied
- you have no idea how happy that makes me to hear. I was just talking about that with someone, someone you don't know. but I was telling them, yeah Nicole's work is great and beautiful but.. there is so much more that can be done.
____

I truly fucking believe that there is more that I can be doing. there's more that I need to be doing! dammit. but I'm in this state of uncertainty in myself... when before I was floating on a confidence high. Right now, I know there's a lot more I need to do. But I'm scared that I'll come up short.. and really I'll just end up being a piece of shit..
iono it's a little too late to go into the details right now.. it's passed my bedtime..
but there's a lot more that I need to express.
thoughts to finish up
things to be said.
blahblah

basically I didn't think people could see me.. or that people where looking in my direction to begin with.. and I haven't really been paying attention to myself in that way.. but lo and behold... someone could see me when I haven't been seeing myself.
I definitely feel exposed.

someone can see things in me... similar things that I've been questioning myself... it just provides perspective.
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I have not been pushing myself as nearly as much as I should be.
I'm rather unmotivated.. and it's a drag.
I haven't been doing enough with my life, to my own standards.
I need to push.. n' I need.. to feel that spark
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yeah I don't know if you are man enough for me.
there are things I need, things I deserve.

i'm usually fine stepping in as the "care-taker" role,
i'll take care of you
i'll pursue you
i'll happily make you squirm..
i'll happily do what needs to be done to aid you,
but I surely expect to be taken care of in return.
I surely expect to be met with the want to care for me as well.
I open myself freely and invite you to unite and come together..
if there is no sense of equal partnership
there is nothing,

my sex and my nature turns against me.
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No, I am not fucked up.
And I am not a fuck up.
I am a beautiful individual with a wonderful soul.
I have a tender loving heart with magical creativity.
I have a sweet smile to spread love and reassurance. and I am pocketsized, which can also be nice.
I have a free spirit with a determined respect for all things.
I can be charming.. and I am a powerful nurturer.
I have passion and strength and these things will bring me closer to my happiness.
Please let me allow myself to utilize these tools to get things MOVING again!

I was brought to my knees and now I am recovering, let's pick up where I left off c'mon now.

Right now, I have a lot of fear in me and that is what has been dragging me down these last couple of weeks.
I am not this fear and there is no need for it.
I have love for myself and what I do and how I live.. and all that fear does is inappropriately stifle me.
I enjoy life, don't forget that.

Be strong, I am here.

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